Charlie Rose

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was happy as hell. Of course I was scared, but I was happy. I took the pregnancy test to my partner at the time and immediately was met with a nonchalant response. From that moment on, I knew the journey was mine.

The next few weeks I dug into every google article I could find about pregnancy and motherhood. I even downloaded apps that would track the whole entire pregnancy and help me understand what was truly happening inside of me.

December 23rd, my stepfather passed away and I felt a very powerful connection with myself and the universe. As my stepfather took his last breath, I had my hand on his heart praying for God to come to his child and meet him where he stood. As one life leaves, another is created. I felt more than human, I felt like a vessel and a pathway.

My first trimester was absolutely terrible. I couldn’t eat, I lost about 15 pounds, my body ached and I wasn’t in the best head space due to my partner and the passing of my step father. I was also losing lots of money because my business was failing and I had to pay for every doctors visit out of pocket because I had no insurance. But then something happened.

I heard her heart for the first time. I cried because it was all real now. Before, I was just sick and suffering but now it was real as fuck! I felt a wave of emotions all consisting of fear, happiness, confusion and anger.

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There she was, Miss America.

I told my mother about her new baby in the form of a “starter kit”. I recently went home to Houston and reclaimed it from her because it made me happy to see it again.

 

 

 

I used to sit in the shower and have conversations with her and wonder what she would look like or who she would become. I always knew to name her “Charlie” whether it was a boy or a girl but I remember one day I was sitting in the shower and BOOM! It was like a ton of rocks hit me. CHARLIE ROSE! I quickly got out of the shower (which was hard to do because I was always so tired and near death) and texted my friends and family the name.

I started to become excited and truly connect with Charlie even though I had no idea if I was having a boy or girl. Sadly, I would never meet Charlie. As I made my transition from trauma and drama, I had to say goodbye to my girl because I made the personal decision to be free from my previous situation.

I remember going in and being depressed as all the questions and instructions were thrown around like morning news. “Go in here, do this, do that, are you allergic…?” etc etc. Before I let my girl go I heard, “You sure about this?”

Fuck no. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to do this, but I had to. After the procedure, I woke up and immediately wanted to die. This was not life for me. But it was. So I had to get up and do something about it.

The next few weeks were absolutely horrible for me. I was in tremendous pain and I was depressed and even had thoughts of not being alive anymore. I hated my process and I would spend many nights alone in the dark crying and talking to God.

On a trip to Mexico with my sister in April I remember walking out to the beach and wondering if I even wanted to continue life. I honestly had this in my mind. I felt like I smiled a fake smile that I could take on and off when need be. After I gathered my thoughts I had a conversation with a dear friend and she told me that what’s meant for me will simply be. Charlie Rose is mine and she will find me again. BOOM… Just like that.

I could finally breathe again and I could finally understand what I understood the day my stepfather died. This life is not ours but we are truly vessels of His plan. He gave me her for a second but knew that I wasn’t ready to receive her in my situation.

Here’s to Charlie Rose. I will always cherish you and I look forward to meeting you when I’m ready for your glory.

Happy Labor Day. How ironic. She would have been born today, September 4, 2017.

Love,

Chriss

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14 Comments

  1. Wow, that is deep and very necessary to share.
    Someone needs to experience this Journey with you.
    Peace & blessings to you!♥️

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  2. Chris I have been following you for over three years, my ex looked exactly like you but far from your being. As I read this message am deeply hurt, because of the actions you took, I know it took a lot to do it, but the truth is no man or woman is worth you committing sin or not making heaven. Charlie Rose will forever be a blessing in your life despite the actions you took, I will keep you in my prayers n ask God forgiveness for our actions knowingly or unknowingly and take a day out the week and fast, and would also want you to do the same if you haven’t. God can’t create a stone impossible for him to carry, remember this! What doesn’t break you makes you stronger, the courage it took you posting this, will serve as a confession to God and by his grace he shall grant you all your heart desires! ❤️

    For the the record: Your mum is really special! Every time i see you post a pic of her is like I see angels around her.

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  3. I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. I also went through the same situation feeling the EXACT same emotions. My sister passing just before my father and then my father passed this year in January and I got pregnant in March and the father of the baby also did not want the baby. As a single mother of two beautiful girls I could not care for a third child alone. So I had to make a choice to not keep the baby but I do think about the baby every day. I also asked and kept the ultrasound photos. I some days feel so defeated with life and keep asking “why me?” But then I realize as all these horrible things are happening, it is keeping me extremely strong for my daughters because I have no other choice. I am so sorry that you struggled, but you are definitely not alone. I was just having a breakdown and reached out to my best friend, she sent me your blog. Your story helped me and I want to thank you so much for that. Again, I’m sorry for your pain and loss. Take care ❤️

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  4. You are beyond Brave mama and I admire you for your strength honesty and growth. I have definitely been here so I understand those emotions to an extent. What’s most important is that she (Charlie Rose) will always be a part of you and your life, happiness and prosperity is what you had to choose to live again outside of the idea of the relationship you were sure you would have! And you’re here! At this very moment you are here and you are giving others life and one day God is going to bless you again and it’ll be just as it should be. Thank you. Love you and keep going!!

    -Mercedes LaQuinta

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  5. I appreciate this so much, I went through a smiliar situation… it’s hard letting go and it’s hard to not let that situation get you down. What I hold onto is the fact that I know I serve a living, caring, and all knowing God. God knew that we weren’t ready to be mothers yet, but he let us know in the process that we were worthy of the experience of creating a life. When we’re truly ready, he’ll allow us to experience that again, and at that time we’ll get to see a beautiful flower fully blossom. Continue to have faith and keep strong girl, know you’re not alone and some of us truly understand and appreciate what this post means💕

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  6. I’ve been following you on social media for a while just because I enjoy your personality. But to watch you share your story is truly beautiful. Though I can’t relate to what you’ve been through, your transparency is courageous and inspiring. You’re using your platform in a great way! I pray that whatever you do decide to share about your life, brings you peace and strength.

    – Jazmine

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  7. U are truly a very brace woman I went through the same thing and I know how hard it is, it was hard for me as well this happened over ten years ago. Last year I decided to get a tattoo of a rose colored red in the middle and just shaded black round it with a clock. The time wasn’t right at all but I also loved that baby like if I had it. I hope u get through this and it’s true what’s meant for u will be for u 🙂

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  8. Takes a very brave soul to tell their side. After reading, this hits home so much, I didn’t know we had some things in common in this way.

    Makes me remember being young, but I wanted to be grown so bad. What was I thinking ? I thought I met a great guy but it was a coverup. My spirit was broken numerous times by the same guy doing the same foolish things; but God pulled me up and pulled me out just in time. I used to ask God all the time “why me? What did I do to him?” This time, he showed me someone will walk into your life for a reason or a season, being mistreated and abused was not something I signed up for. We are here to be loved!

    As I sat in the cold doctor’s office alone because at the time I could not tell my mother. I was pregnant with twins which was something I always dreamed of, but it was not my time. After I talked to the Holy Trinity and the mother of Jesus, I prayed and prayed that my spirit would be restored. During this time of year I always talk to God and wonder what Elijah & Elise would be, today would’ve been their eleventh birthday. One day I’ll be blessed to hear their heartbeats again. 💘

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  9. You know, Chris, I’ve followed you for some time now and I’ve always felt so connected to you. You’re share so many similarities and life challenges with me that’s so crazy. I commend you for being able to talk about something so personal and hurtful. I wish I could ask you questions, Moreno privately. But I want to commend you on your journey. Love you. Xoxo.

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  10. When you decide to become a mother, especially in these days & times, you HAVE to be ready to possibly do it alone. Even the best of situations can end in divorce forcing you to be a single mother. When you’re ready to be a Mom, you’ll be blessed & don’t let ANY man take that gift away from you. You just weren’t ready. Good luck.

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