When I first found out I was pregnant, I was happy as hell. Of course I was scared, but I was happy. I took the pregnancy test to my partner at the time and immediately was met with a nonchalant response. From that moment on, I knew the journey was mine.
The next few weeks I dug into every google article I could find about pregnancy and motherhood. I even downloaded apps that would track the whole entire pregnancy and help me understand what was truly happening inside of me.
December 23rd, my stepfather passed away and I felt a very powerful connection with myself and the universe. As my stepfather took his last breath, I had my hand on his heart praying for God to come to his child and meet him where he stood. As one life leaves, another is created. I felt more than human, I felt like a vessel and a pathway.
My first trimester was absolutely terrible. I couldn’t eat, I lost about 15 pounds, my body ached and I wasn’t in the best head space due to my partner and the passing of my step father. I was also losing lots of money because my business was failing and I had to pay for every doctors visit out of pocket because I had no insurance. But then something happened.
I heard her heart for the first time. I cried because it was all real now. Before, I was just sick and suffering but now it was real as fuck! I felt a wave of emotions all consisting of fear, happiness, confusion and anger.
There she was, Miss America.
I told my mother about her new baby in the form of a “starter kit”. I recently went home to Houston and reclaimed it from her because it made me happy to see it again.
I used to sit in the shower and have conversations with her and wonder what she would look like or who she would become. I always knew to name her “Charlie” whether it was a boy or a girl but I remember one day I was sitting in the shower and BOOM! It was like a ton of rocks hit me. CHARLIE ROSE! I quickly got out of the shower (which was hard to do because I was always so tired and near death) and texted my friends and family the name.
I started to become excited and truly connect with Charlie even though I had no idea if I was having a boy or girl. Sadly, I would never meet Charlie. As I made my transition from trauma and drama, I had to say goodbye to my girl because I made the personal decision to be free from my previous situation.
I remember going in and being depressed as all the questions and instructions were thrown around like morning news. “Go in here, do this, do that, are you allergic…?” etc etc. Before I let my girl go I heard, “You sure about this?”
Fuck no. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to do this, but I had to. After the procedure, I woke up and immediately wanted to die. This was not life for me. But it was. So I had to get up and do something about it.
The next few weeks were absolutely horrible for me. I was in tremendous pain and I was depressed and even had thoughts of not being alive anymore. I hated my process and I would spend many nights alone in the dark crying and talking to God.
On a trip to Mexico with my sister in April I remember walking out to the beach and wondering if I even wanted to continue life. I honestly had this in my mind. I felt like I smiled a fake smile that I could take on and off when need be. After I gathered my thoughts I had a conversation with a dear friend and she told me that what’s meant for me will simply be. Charlie Rose is mine and she will find me again. BOOM… Just like that.
I could finally breathe again and I could finally understand what I understood the day my stepfather died. This life is not ours but we are truly vessels of His plan. He gave me her for a second but knew that I wasn’t ready to receive her in my situation.
Here’s to Charlie Rose. I will always cherish you and I look forward to meeting you when I’m ready for your glory.
Happy Labor Day. How ironic. She would have been born today, September 4, 2017.